I'd like to share a powerful strategy I've discovered for navigating co-founder conflict. In my practice, I frequently see founders struggling with their business partnerships. While tension between co-founders is completely normal - and even expected - it can become a serious threat to your startup if left unresolved.
While this piece will focus on founders, the advice holds for cross-functional partners, executive counterparts, or significant others.
Examples of Deep Conflict
Here are common founder conflicts I see.
- Strategic direction conflicts - like whether to target enterprise or consumer markets
- Equity and compensation disputes, especially when founders perceive unequal contributions
- Hiring decisions, particularly around key early roles or terminations
- Work style differences - such as one founder demanding 80-hour weeks while another values work-life balance
- Small disagreements about company resources (like office location or furniture expenses) that often reflect deeper conflicts about values and priorities
Look, it's natural for conflict to arise between co-founders. What matters is how you handle it. Conflicts need to be addressed and resolved promptly - they can't be allowed to build up, splinter relationships, or escalate into bigger issues.
At the same time, you can't simply bury these conflicts, because buried problems are like seeds: they grow roots and eventually breach the surface again. I once heard a great analogy: suppressing an emotion is like trying to hold a beach ball underwater in a pool - no matter how hard you push it down, it will inevitably pop back up to the surface. The same holds true for unresolved co-founder conflict.
Why Conversations Don't Always Work
In an ideal world, co-founders would have calm, thoughtful conversations where they seek to understand each other's perspectives, concerns, and needs while acknowledging their own roles in conflicts. However, several factors often make these mature discussions challenging:
- Face-to-face conversations can trigger defensive reactions, derailing productive dialogue
- Complex discussions with multiple points can overwhelm people's ability to process and remember important details, both in the moment and later
- Many people struggle to express themselves clearly under pressure or when emotions run high
- Hurt feelings can lead to defensive responses and arguments rather than understanding
- The office environment may feel too public or uncomfortable for exploring vulnerable topics
- Time constraints often cut conversations short before reaching resolution
- Strong emotional reactions, particularly anger, can block people from truly hearing what others are saying
The Case for Letter Writing
Because of all these reasons, it can be good to write a letter. This is something my father first taught me - he would sometimes write letters to me or to my mother when we fought or had an argument. It's a powerful way to communicate with someone else.
When you write something down in letter form:
- You show that you've really thought about it and aren't speaking rashly
- You're able to see what you're saying more clearly and organize them better
- You can edit and adjust your language to provide details and avoid being misunderstood
- You can show that you value and appreciate the other person
A letter endures - it creates a lasting record of communication between two people. When sent via email, it serves as a time-stamped artifact that you can revisit. Unlike fleeting conversations, you can return to a letter because it continues to exist as a touchstone of that moment.
While writing letters demands more time and mental energy than casual conversation, their asynchronous nature is actually an advantage. You can take your time crafting your message until it feels right, and the recipient can read it thoughtfully when they're in the right headspace, without the pressure of your presence.
Modern AI language models make letter writing even more approachable. You can sketch out your main ideas, let an LLM create an initial draft, and then refine it through further AI collaboration or personal editing. I strongly suggest adjusting the language to match your natural voice - this ensures authenticity and prevents any hint of artificiality.
Ultimately, what matters most is that you fully support the message you're sending. The origin of the words becomes less important when you genuinely believe in what you're saying.
How to Structure Your Letter
These are a lot of steps and I share them not to make the job longer or harder, but to give you a checklist of things to cover.
Set Intentions
Start with a clear statement of intent. Explain that you're writing to address specific concerns and that you value the relationship enough to take this thoughtful approach.
2. Value and Appreciate
Begin with what you appreciate about your co-founder and your partnership. Be specific about their strengths and contributions. This sets a collaborative tone and reminds both of you why you chose to work together.
3. Share Your Observations
Describe your perception of the current situation or conflict. Use "I" statements and focus here on observable behaviors rather than assumptions about motives. For example: "I've noticed that we've had difficulty agreeing on our hiring priorities" rather than "You're being too picky about candidates."
4. Convey Impact
Express how the situation affects you, the company, and your working relationship. One phrase that's helpful here is "The story I'm telling myself is..." to describe thoughts that you recognize might be false, but feel true in the moment. This might sound like: "When we can't align on strategic decisions, I feel frustrated and angry that we may miss our window of opportunity to capture the market."
5. Acknowledge Your Role
Acknowledge your own contribution to the situation. In what ways have you participated in creating the conditions for this conflict to arise? What could you have done differently?
6. Empathize with Their Perspective
Take time to consider and articulate your understanding of your co-founder's perspective. What pressures might they be under? What concerns might be driving their position? Even if you disagree with their approach, demonstrating that you've thought deeply about their viewpoint can help bridge the gap. For instance: "I imagine you're feeling pressure to maintain our quality standards while also trying to scale the team quickly."
7. Propose Solutions
If you can, outline specific suggestions for moving forward. Include:
- Concrete changes you're willing to make
- Processes you think could help prevent similar conflicts
- Suggestions for how to handle disagreements in the future
- Clear requests for what you need from them
8. Close with Next Steps
End with a clear statement of your commitment to resolving the issue and what you'd like to do next. This probably means a follow up conversation or a response letter from the other person and some kind of timeline for when you hope they get back to you. Try to let the letter sit for at least 24 hours before sending it. This allows you to review it with fresh eyes and ensure the tone and content align with your intentions.
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Not every founder disagreement needs this level of rigor—usually a quick convo will do. But for more intractable issues, writing a thoughtful letter to your co-founder can break through the tension and is an investment in the long-term health of your partnership. I've seen it used effectively by teams and have encouraged my clients to leverage it for tougher conflicts.
By following these steps and approaching the process with intention, you create an opportunity for deeper understanding and stronger alignment. Even if the immediate response isn't what you hoped for, you've laid groundwork for more constructive dialogue and demonstrated your commitment to finding solutions together.
